The Valentine Jayanti

Most popular male gods in India are either Lord Shiva or Hanuman-epitomes of manhood. While Shiva is fav among females, an ideal husband material with two naughty kids, Bajrang Bali Hanuman gulps plenty of laddoos from ‘no woman no cry’ sloganeering bachelors. The moment I realised I am loaded with enough testosterone, I switched from Lord Hanuman to Lord Shiva, and memorised the famous Shiv Tandava mantra. Ready for the kill!

Quiting Lord Hanuman began with quiting gymnasium, where I sweated hard on my biceps and pecs, and began looking like a mini-hanuman. Wore half-sleeve tight T-shirts shopped from Chor-bazaar, walking with forward-thrusted chest. Girl who always sat next to me, disappeared as if my sweat will make her pregnant. Realised my sweaty stinking stupid self and quit the bone-breaking muscle-aching gym sessions.

Switching to Shiva meant attitude, male anger and the ‘third-eye’. Trick worked. The girl returned, and my third-eye was all on her. Always talked to her looking down, with ‘trinetra’ right at her face. Soon I was in love like one of those Amol Palekar movies. I would strategically chose seat next to her, but would never talk, never meet eyes. And when the bubbly girl would offer to come to college canteen, the angry Shiva in me would rise from nowhere and reject her. As if I have millions of tasks. Same night, I would be drinking like ‘neelkanth’.

Then came the festival of love. Valentine’s day. Angry Shiva seemed to send his Sainiks in city of Pune to vandalise it. While Hanuman’s Bajrangi Sena is already locking horns somewhere else. Choice between brown-eyed girl and gods was little difficult, but boiling testosterone in me finally won.

Red roses were soaring high in demand, so chose the pink, and hid it between shining white Govinda-style baniyaan and my dashing blue full-sleeves, stuck beneath my jeans at waist. After a quick Reiki of library and canteen, located her among bunch of frolicking girls. To take the rose out sharply, made a window in shirt keeping the lower button open. Crashed into girls, and the rose right in her hand! Execution was flawless like Godse shooting Gandhi. We had a Vada-Pav together and remained friends forever. Never knew bloody rose was colour-coded. ‘Pink’ meant rose without testicles.

Happy Valentine’s!

What woman want: A mathematical approach

Disclaimer: With all due respect to our great forefathers who never dared to venture into this territory, I, Vamagandhi, present this piece with nobel and humanitarian intentions. Any coincidence and resemblance is purely incidental, unintentional, unmotivated, and all their synonyms. 

…………………..

1. Binary mind (0 and 1 rule): 

Hypothesis: Women have two strongly opposite opinions decided impromptu, and thus difficult to guess.

Tests conducted: Buying anything for woman: Anything. From toilet soap to a glittering jewellery.

Results:

A loud exciting yeaayyy, the hugs and kisses, and o-i-luv-u-so-much;

Or,

a disgruntled face, vocal blurt-out, stamping feet, and go-change-it-immediately. 

2. Stochastic process: 

Hypothesis: Every decision is indeterminate, and you have to rely on series of indeterminate events to derive a certain probability. 

Tests conducted: Restaurant menu is a perfect set of variables. Based on many stochastic predictions, I could accurately predict she is going to detest what she finally ordered, and we will be switching our meals soon. 

Results: I slurped the Chicken Jakutti in a nasty broth, while she gobbled on my Afghani Kebabs. Goddamn! Stochastic process!!

3. Mutual exclusion principle

Hypothesis: No two critical processes can be handled at same time, and one is bound to compromise or change the source.

Test conducted: The famous TV remote experiment where a climax of football match competes with climax of TV soap.

Result: Ofcourse the TV soap continued. Watched the highlights late night.

……………………
Early results forecasted. Experiments running…..

लविंग लाइसेंस

वो वक्त भी था जब युवतीयों को देख गुदगुदी कम सिहरन ज्यादा होती. ट्यूशन पढ़ने आती खिलखिलाती लड़कियाँ सामने से आती, तो पैर काँप जाते, साइकिल से औंधे-मुँह गिरता, लड़कियाँ मुँह दबा उपहास करती हँसती निकल जाती. कोई कलम भी माँग ले, तो छिज्जी उंगली और अंगूठे के बीच आखिरी कोना पकड़ता; सर झुका कलम ऐसे बढ़ाता जैसे हाथ में साँप की पूँछ आ गयी हो; छोड़ भाग आता. 

ये सिलसिला कब तक चला, याद नहीं. पर हाँ, कई गुलाब कोसते रहे,  “हाथ में ही रखोगे लल्लू, या उसे दोगे भी? मज़े में गुलदस्ते में था. खामख्वाह तेरे भी बीस रूपये गये, और मैं भी इंतजार में मुरझा गया.” 

मैं क्या? बड़े बड़े शूरमा हिल जायें. भगवान राम को भी जनक से छुप-छुपा, शानू के गाने गा, सीता को इम्प्रेस करना होता, तो रामायण की कथा कुछ और होती. धनुष तोड़ने से मिल जाए तो भैया! हॉस्टल में हमने भी बहोत तोड़-फोड़ मचाई. 

खैर! त्रेतायुग से कलियुग के ट्रांजीशन में परिवर्तन तो लाज़मी था. मैंने भी आखिर इस क्षेत्र में कई प्रयोग किये, ‘ट्रायल-एरर’ से लेकर ‘व्हाट वूमन वांट्स्’ की तह तक. हाथ में मर्दाना अकड़ और गूफ्तगू का सहज़ अंदाज़. जैसी युवती, वैसी अदाकारी. पढ़ाकू को ज्ञान, फिल्मी-चक्कर वालों को रोमाँस-डोज़, और कन्फ्यूज्ड मंदबुद्धि सुंदरियों को झूठी तारीफ. बस सिक्का जम गया. ज्ञान बाँटने का शौकीन था. लवगुरू बन गया.

गुरू गुड़ रह गया, चेले चीनी खाने लगे. समय बदल रहा था. मेरे फॉर्मूले आउट-डेटेड होने लगे. न वो रिझाना. न वो मनाना. न वो घंटों प्यार की गूफ्तगू. अजी! कौन बैंक जाये, पासबुक-इंट्री करे? ATM स्वाइप का ज़माना आ गया. पहले ऊबड़-खाबड़ रोड पे ऑटोरिक्शा में क्षणिक श्पर्श में ही शरीर तप्त-कंपित हो जाते, अब तो पब्लिक-पार्क में लिपटे पड़े मिलते हैं. क्षुब्ध, मैंने भी सन्यास ले लिया. कोई खास शारिरीक संबंधों से शिकायत नहीं थी, परंतु इस प्रेम में उचाटपन और अस्थिरता दिखी. वो कहते हैं ना, आज पूजा, कल कोई दूजा. फिर मेरे जैसे पुजारी की क्या आवश्यकता?

अरसों बीत गये. कल फ्लाइट की सीट पे अनमना सा था. सफ़र में सोने की पुरानी आदत, और सामने वाली सीट पे कुलबुलाहट. सीट के बीच से पड़ी एक अनचाही नज़र ने ही कह दिया, नवविवाहिता जोड़ा है. चूड़ियों से सुसज्जित आधी से अधिक बाँह, जो बारम्बार पति के हाथ को झटकती. पति भी कहाँ मानने वाला? कभी कमर, कभी वक्ष की ओर, और मैं मुँह छुपाता बैठे-बैठे आधी-तिरछी करवट लेता. तभी कुछ अप्रत्याशित हुआ और मैं काँप गया. पीली साड़ी, माँग में मोटी सिन्दूरी रेखा और स्वर्ण गहनों में लदी युवती ने पति का हाथ मरोड़ा और अंग्रेजी में कहा, “What do you think you fool? You got a license to love me or what? Stay away.” चार दिन की शादी में वस्त्रहरण का लाइसेंस तो नहीं मिल जाता.

नारी-सम्मान और प्रेम के पुजारी को इस वीरांगना में असुर नहीं, साक्षात् दुर्गा दिखी. इस लविंग लाइसेंस के कई इम्तिहान हैं. प्रेम-शास्त्र कल भी था, आज भी है, अज़र-अमर, Evergreen. सिलेबस ही तो बदला है, विषय तो वही है. सोचता हूँ, पाठशाला फिर जैसे-तैसे चालू कर ही दूँ, ईमानदारी से लाइसेंस की. 

The half-burnt beedi

Sunrays breaching the window crevices,

A grimace cursing the intolerant sun.

My peep through the slanket,

The sleeves in the blanket,

Bedroom cafe and the lurching woman.


The rattle of the tea-cups,

And the battle of the sloths.

Gusty winds from the east,

And the undaunted snoring beast.


The scent of a woman.

Her hairs afloat,

the shiver in the lips,

And the cluttering teeth.

Love irresistible, and so the Darjeeling tea.

The broken bangles, the amorous moves, and

The brutal neighbour, with the mighty gargles

The lips so close, and the boisterous laugh,

The shattered love, and

The half-burnt beedi.

The lover’s nest a.k.a FOSLA ka ghosla

I learnt most of the Ghazals, when I was lovestruck for the first time and mastered them with each failures and heartbreaks as they say. Somehow the complex urdu poetry absorbs all the woes, while you try to figure out what it actually means. A country exemplary for epitomes of love like Tajmahal to Kamasutra, has incidently the largest inventory of lovelorns, frequently abbreviated as FOSLA (Frustrated one-sided lover association).

Although I had never been a president of FOSLA since there were much strong contenders, I must have played some stupid game like ‘FLAMES’ and sang lovesongs. While giving a debate speech, I would look in crowd for the blue-eyed girl, with my tone fluctuating with her facial expressions. Once I was narrating Subhash Chandra Bose speech in an adrenaline-charged loud voice, and she just gave me a casual smile. The smile turned Bose into some Kamadev (love-god) incarnate, and in a soft enamored voice I said, “Tum Mujhe Pyaar do, Main tumhen Azaadi Doonga” (You give me love, I will give you freedom). Not to mention, I received the punishment #1 – a brutally tiring diatribe (read my old blog).

Well, Shahjahan was a royal Mughal who would have charged his army, captivated Mumtaz’s father and taken her as prized possession.  If Shahjahan were an aam aadmi, he would have roamed around the gully where Mumtaz lived, lifted gas cylinders for her dad, and would have been content with a glass of water offered from Mumtaz. He could have never built Tajmahal, but must had shaved every morning, and walked with his two hands in pocket across Mumtaz, furtively catching a side-glimpse. While the road-side romeos ogle at Mumtaz, Shahjahan would warn, “Tameez se beta! Bhabhi hai.” Mumtaz would have been mohalla’s bhabhi never knowing who the hell is Shahjahan? If anybody dared to whistle, he would pounce like a mughal warrior.

Some shayar said, “Shahjahan tumne Tajmahal banakar, Hum gareebon ka udaya hai mazaak”. (O shahjahan! you made fun of we poor people by making a Tajmahal)

Aurangzeb must have cursed Shahjahan while paying EMIs for his Dad’s Tajmahal. Poor man could never build anything for himself, and no girl gave bhav to the poor king.

Akbar had Jodha.

Salim had Anarkali.

Shahjahan had Mumtaz.

Aurangjeb had Begum who? Probably, one of the founding member of FOSLA Aurangzeb was. Respect!

And what about Kamasutra?

The FOSLA library always had a strong collection of porn, which would be circulated among members, with each member tearing pages of their choices till the last member receives nothing, better termed colloquially as, ‘Babaji ka thullu‘. Whatever would have been the intentions of Vatsyayana in writing Kamasutra, I wonder how its pages are preserved till date.

To say FOSLA is a man-only institution, is a bit biased opinion. From ages, one-sided love was more common in women who would dream of a prince riding on horse. Well, it transformed to a Shahrukh Khan running in knicker later. Whatever movie said, if father is even a bit of Amrish Puri, a girl would never dare to love. These TV soap and romantic movie crazy melodramatic creatures surely form a huge chunk of FOSLA.

Men or women; the young and the old; and the bloggers with long lovelorn letters and poetry. The glory prevails. Long live FOSLA!

Why Alia Bhatt could be the perfect Indian wife?

In a typical desi pre-nuptial grand analysis,  my friend had to chose among a strikingly beautiful middle-class girl, and a featureless stinking rich girl. He obviously chose the second. His idea of marriage was so flawless and vivid. Right after marriage, he went to those beauty mongers VLCC etc., and ask them to convert his wife to Katrina Kaif in 30 days. After a fortnight, they called, “Katrina toh nahin, kuchh woh Sonakshi-Sonam fusion bana dun. chalega?” [ can we make her sonakshi-sonam fusion instead?] . Whatever, not a bad deal!

Though trends are changing, scepticism about good wife persists. Inspite of all those proven-disproven Alia Bhatt’s dumbness, I believe she would win hands-down in great desi marriage bazaar.

1. A rich family:  Most blatantly flouted laws of India is dowry law, which only props up in divorce cases much later after deal is already done. A celebrity social activist Mahesh bhatt may not give a penny, but still, damaad of bhatt family may atleast get a BMW in vidaai, and some chillar in post-nuptial rituals.

2. An earning wife: Its a growing trend in cosmopolis life since a lone bread-winner can’t manage all EMIs and school fee. So, both bread-maker and bread-winner are poor women (colloquially called abla naari). Even if you are fired, Alia would keep doing shaandaar or some movie to pay the pending bills.

3. A narcissist flatter-loving father-in-law: Indian damaad would love to flatter their father-in-law to get some goodies in return. Just shower praises about his good old Aashiqui days, and his bold moves, Bhatt Saab may offer you something which you would never refuse. May be a movie-contract in sex-loaded murder mystery in exotic locations? You won’t mind a itchy-scratchy dad-in-law boring you with his harangues. Would you?

4. Not-so-hot wife: Indian men drool at  sexy hot women, but would pledge to break your teeth if you ogle at their wives. Maladies of having hot wife can be asked to cricketer Stuart Binny, whose wife is discussed more than his cricket. Alia somewhere fits in that bubbly charming girl who may be spared of lecherous, lewd look probably.

5. Little dumb, as they say:  From ages, the right to grab the newspaper in morning, and switching news and sport channels had been a men thing. Women who do so or get into this social activism etc., end up with divorce. I won’t get into made-up Alia jokes. I am assured she can definitely order things online and get all the household plumbing work etc. I don’t know if she knows cooking a good rajma-chawal though.

6. A stray brother-in-law: Hahahaha! Enjoy! Its all yours now.

Note: Author scribbles satires on gender equality, and this blog is in similar series, and wish not to offend any one. Besides, author doesn’t think any of the male readers would ever get Alia.

Maare gaye gulfaam: My three vows in life

With all these Asaram Babu and Radhey maa escapades popping up, celibacy seems to be an unachievable task. Yet you may get close to it by subscribing The Hindu.They dare extremes like putting Rangana Herath, an ugly unknown cricketer on cover page of their sports mag…..wait a minute…..Rangana Herath (Use google. He exists). Closest obscenity I could find in one of the cornered columns of The Hindu, was Nargis Fakhri’s natural pout. I remember the Hindi dailies up north which would have dedicated flashy pages of poster size bikini girls, and so would have the famous Times. And the sexpert column, which I always believed had framed up questions from some pervert (how do they hire such pervert? is there some course like Masters in Perversion). Sneak-and-peek stuffs. Anyway, I am content with Nargis Fakhri’s pout at the moment, one of the sacrifice you have to do to join elite club of The Hindu-readers. I wonder how many vows I would finally take in life.

While my first vow featured in my earlier blog that I would never commit theft, the second one dealt with something on similar lines.

A leader is the one who can lead you on right and wrong paths with equal efficacy.

It all started with a blind date gone wrong with my friend. The girl instead of singing lovesongs, gave him an audio CD from some multi-level marketing firm. While I was pondering on the idea, somebody brought a similar platter where you can make a million from petty 2000 bucks in 9 months (what an apt gestation period). Anyway, I jumped into the fray. Rest was history! I sold the idea to somebody, and people were luring each other on chai-tapdi , the backseat of classroom, and even their girlfriends on dates. The chain grew exponentially. Soon, I found myself talking to a packed audience in some engineering college. But, somehow nobody was gaining anything. A fellow who incidentally was my neighbour would sluggishly stroll in front of me, “Jha, mere chain ka kuchh hua kya?” My smile assured him always, and he would go day-dreaming about his million. Soon, the dream castle began shaking. All we had, was some tree-like-structure on paper, with no money in it.  In those days, when somebody provided a login-password, it meant some credibility. The passwords never worked.  The company had cheated us all, albeit some of the dejected fellows extracted a local brand mixer-grinder from them (a sarcastic gift from company. What were we supposed to do? Put our ass and get it shredded to bits).

I took my second vow, to never indulge in any mode of corruption, especially if it concerns others.

Coming back to the topic of Nargis Fakhri, its a transformation in myself to even appreciate her. If it was my real self, I should have been rather dreaming of Vidya Balan or even somebody older. In my schooldays, when people were mad about bubbly Divya Bharati, I would hide an old newspaper clipping of Juhi Chawla in my notebook. And this was guided by my coach from Brilliant Tutorials (an old days coaching institute) who kept Suraiya’s clip with him in his student days. He quoted them as passions which keep us moving. Later, Madhuri Dixit stayed in my notebooks for long till I grew old enough to find my own Juhis and Madhuris. The long inculcated habit was not dying, and anybody younger was not appealing enough. A girl I was attracted to, lost her chances (lol her chances!!) when I accidently looked at her tenth marksheet. She was three months younger, marginally failing the eligibility criteria. My parallel struggles for Dilli-waalee girlfriend (my earlier blog) made it even difficult- Dilli-waalee badee girlfriend. So be it! A dreamer never gives up. But, when you fall from a higher tree, you get hurt even more. I jumped; I climbed; I reached; And, I fell flat.

I took my third vow, to never fall for an elder girl. After all, what’s wrong with Nargis Fakhri (except that she would have never featured in any article more than this blog)?

Teesri Kasam is a Raj Kapoor starrer, where he takes three vows of – not carrying illegal goods in his cart, never carry bamboo which hurts others in his cart, and never carry a nautanki-dancer.

teesri kasam
A still from ‘Teesri Kasam’- the movie

Dilli waali girlfriend

Morning newspaper had a photo clipping of Salwar-clad thinly built girls with two long hair-locks (colloquially called ‘chotees’) jumping across an iron-grill gate, since they were late for pre-medical exam.

Nothing attractive about them. No tight-fitted jeans. No lip gloss. No funky tops or overblown assets. No attitude. No X Y Z factor.

Morning newspaper was ofcourse the quientessential boring ‘The Hindu’, read by only two class of people- IAS aspirants or one who dreamt but never became one. They prefer to be called an elite class now. Moment I began counting myself as one, I terminated my ‘Times’ subscription, switched to ‘The Hindu’, and also changed my reading desk from study table to the toilet commode. And then, long verbose facebook posts and blogs followed, in efforts to bring myself in the elite league.

But, this fascination with elite class haunted me since my days in school. Asking for ‘the hindu’ was certainly not in a kid fascination. It was a blue-eyed urbane sophisticated convent educated girl who could speak fluent english. She seemed just out-of-reach, yet I began brushing up my english, practicing a heavily accented english in school backyard. I could never get the girl, instead aced my english papers.

Med-school ragging days followed, where a Bihari senior would gang-up all Bihari freshers and command like a Jehadi commander, “Saale! Tum log sab ke sabb yahan tak to aa gaye. Par aage ka raasta kathin hai. You all should aim for a ‘delhi-waali girlfriend’. “

Now, this was more than plain english. The overtones, the attitude, the out-of-place humour, the food habits, the body language. Delhi-waali girlfriend seemed like a golden-bicycle toy I cribbed for, my parents could never afford. Only way that came in my mind was old adage, “beta! Padhoge to sabb kuchh milega”. So, I studied hard and kept doing well in exams. Efforts were underpaid, when all I could get was a ‘patna-waali girlfriend’ (PWG).

I wasn’t ready to accept any fault in my DNA, instead something was wrong with the country. I moved to US, lost my PWG, and gave up any dream of DWG. This had suddenly brought me to end of road, with no further girlfriends to aim. I made many more friends, with no delhi-waali, no tags, no premonitions. In that country, all India-waallahs carried the same tag as a Bihari in India. The underdeveloped underprivileged unsophisticated accented people, all of them in dream of better opportunities.

Back to India, tilism was broken. I was in Delhi, a city of ogling, groping, teasing men and bold, energetic and lively girls, who would be afraid, self-conscious and listless at times. Delhi-waali-girlfriend would be equally praised and scorned for.

I finally did have an ephemeral delhi-waali girlfriend and a delhi-waali wife, yet the DNA didn’t haunt me ever again.

Courtesy: google images