The nose-cutter’s apology

Dear Shurpee,

Howz life in Lanka? Hope you would have got nose job done by now? You know! In a fit of rage, I just felt like chopping your berry-black tufty nosy. 

If only I knew you were Lankapati’s sister, I would have dated you. What you would have liked at date? Never dated an asura girl you know. How about wild boar thighs and bison chips in lovely Amavasya night? 

Besides I am married on a lifetime contract signed by all of my brothers. And you know my brothers, right? Men of words. Praan jaaye par vachan na jaaye. 

And look at you! 

Blobby cheeks, wrinkled chin; Thiggy lips, teeth never in; Jungly hair, makes me scare; Eyes so grue, grisly too; nature’s threat, is that you? 

Apart from your oversized breasts, there is absolutely nothing to look at. And what would I do with them? Open a dairy farm in Ayodhya?   Kids would play bouncing castles on your pot belly. 

You truly are the ugliest woman in universe, with or without a chopped nose. 

But, let me confess a thing. You are the only one who would be remembered forever with me. This hate story would surmount all the love stories of Ramayana. 

Nose would become a symbol of pride. Kings would cut the nose of traitors. Girls marrying out-of-caste would be treated as somebody who chopped the nose of family. 

If Valmiki releases his new edition, I would ask him to chop this episode instead of chopping your nose. But, that would chop my role too. Out of Ramayana 2. Nah! Afterall, it was only brave act I remember I did. 

Don’t you think I am a racist, opportunist, sexist, narcissist…..and all those ‘ists’? People who weigh woman by colour and size of breasts? People who take pride in thrashing women and label them sinners?  

Shurpee! Forgive me for my sins. Even if it was the most beautiful girl on earth, I would have chopped the nose.

I just followed the scripts.

Apologies.

Lucky

(the man who cut your nose)

8 thoughts on “The nose-cutter’s apology

  1. Quite an apology for Lucky to be writing! Isn’t the whole description of asuras in the holy books kinda racist? Like they were devoid of all goodness and positivity, not to say looked filthy ugly and all?

  2. Nice post. History and myths are written for victors.
    In the “Deva-Asura” conflict in India, Asuras were the losers and hence they are painted as ugly creatures. In Persia, Asuras were victors in that conflict. In the Gathas, the oldest texts of the Zoroastrian canon, the daevas are “wrong gods” or “false gods” or “gods that are (to be) rejected”. In the Younger Avesta, the daevas are noxious creatures that promote chaos and disorder. In the Gathas Zoroaster exhorts his followers to pay reverence to only the ahuras (ahura derives from asura), and to rebuff the daevas.

    1. Hi, Luckyji! I have to say, this letter has made you my official wordpress crush. Being man enough to cut off a lady’s bits is the true mark of a man. Not to mention all the attention to detail you’ve given to shurpee’s other unmentionables. I have to say, I’m eagerly waiting for the next letter you sent out to your darling wifey, Urmi tai. Wonder what sage advice she will get! :)))
      Still rolling over with laughter, regards, Tejaswini.

  3. Hello Mr.Gandhi,
    Have a request, i have a page Thatmate on Facebook. It is a small attempt to answer some of questions related to sex and menstruation (targetted audience teens). Would like to know your views and publish it on the page about sex education in India. I would like to publish your article with your permisson.

    1. Great page and endeavour. In my practice, most teenagers who indulge in sex almost always get pregnant. This is almost same as animals who mate only when hormones are in optimal proportion which drives them. Unfortunately or fortunately, teenage pregnancy doesn’t continue and get aborted often in odd 3-4 months when it is too difficult to do so. Rarely, there was a brother who wished to adopt his teenage sister’s progeny. In europe, teenagers continue with it even if 15-16 yrs girl are pregnant. Education would help surely in India, since teenage pregnancy is moral, financial and mental burden on girl.

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