Hundreds (or thousands) of romantic bollywood movies had people making love without a kiss. They would cuddle up, rolling together downhill, dancing and singing. Beauty like Waheeda Rehman sitting so close to casanova Raj Kapoor, and the man keeps singing in his bullock-cart without even touching her. I belonged to such sacred school of love, where ‘kiss’ was un-indian. Nothing like anti-national. Just un-Indian. I dreamt of singing songs for my girl, and getting real close sans kiss. Besides my first dream girl in school days had a bit of hirsutism with hairs shooting off the cheeks.
Soon I learnt, making love without a kiss is like shitting without a piss. Its just impossible.
My idea of girl too changed from hirsute, pimpled, dark, spotty cheeks to soft, fair, smoothy, pinkish ones. Like one of those ‘woodlie woodlie woosh’ giggling skin cream ads. In college days, only two girls out of hundred in my classroom could fit my criteria of kissability. Two overweight plumpy softball creatures with chubby red cheeks. To reach their cheeks was next to impossible due to huge tummy wobbling between.
I figured out this flaw in kissability criteria, and made appropriate BMI revisions, which no girl could actually fulfill. Some were too fair but sharply chiseled nose, chin and zygoma which could bruise my lips. Some were too soft that they will get bruised by my lips. And being a Gandhian, ‘do no harm’ person, my conscience never allowed.
One evening I saw my two close couple friends kissing each other in darkness of library corridor. The guy was moving his lips from one point to another in darting motion, and girl was shooing him away like an unpleasant buffalo. I just dissected across this episode to my friends in hostel, and created the first Hindu-Muslim riot. Girl was probably Maratha hindu pride, and boy was a muslim fellow. Shooed off by buffalo and beaten later by bulls. Poor fellow.
My kissability criteria too changed to religion and caste fulfilment, making the window of opportunity even narrower.
In spite of all my research on kissability, my first kiss proved to be utter fiasco, breaking all rules and barriers. I don’t even know who the girl was, and where she is. My some german friends took me to a party in US, where some girls joined them. I discussed Bhagvad Geeta with them, and when they parted, they hugged and touched cheek. I thought probably I have to kiss in return and so I did. The girl smiled and asked me to only place cheek side-by-side as a parting gesture. Anyway, girl was irresistibly kissable even to ascetic gandhian. One of the ideal optimalised cheeks, patent pending.
Times changed and so did the Indian movies. From an eye-blick peck on the cheek, to war of rolling tongues and biting lips. In one of the Delhi streets near university, recently I witnessed a similar tongue-tug of war. I was pretty sure girl just had a garlic-studded street chicken momos, and boy looked like a lassi-loving Jat. Never in my dreams, I would have lassi with garlic!
And that adds up to one more criteria. Right food choices before kiss. Pork in pizza or whiff of cigarette smoke or an untimely drink with friends. An amorous liplock may be a trap to catch your sins.
Unless you gel out a right combo.
In one of those lovely nights, I had Aloo Paratha, and smacked her lips with spicy mango pickles. And we lived happily ever after.