I become utterly religious whenever I plan to visit any government office. I would unceremoniously take a morning bath in freezing winter, pray for long hours, take blessings from everybody before I prepare myself. The ID proof, photo ID, the address proof, the passport sized photos, umpteens of copies, the notarized papers, the affidavits, the tax statements, the bank statements….huff!
I almost planned to live in a rented apartment for life, to save myself from agonies of bank loan paperwork. But, every doc has his day, and so did I. The suave doctor would be stripped till underpants to prove he deserves a loan. Well, stripping would have been much easier, this was worse!
While the private bank fellows would have been easier to handle, there would always be one nasty guy in family who would convince you they are cheats. So, I was pushed to the ultra-slow paced ‘sarkari’ bank. The wobbling ceiling fan making screeching sound; the fluttering bank papers, and the dusty files; all bespectacled fellows straining themselves on computer screen, and wondering why ‘E’ follows ‘W’ on keyboard. I navigated myself to a disinterested sweating fellow hidden behind fortified walls of piles of files, and a paraphernalia-studded desk. For the sake of anonymity, let’s say his name was ‘pandeyjee’.
And began a gruelling Q&A session;
Not to mention, my wishes and handshake were unanswered.
Q: Form, photo, ID, Documents?
A: Here it is sir!
Q: Any other address proof? Rental agreement not valid.
A: Aadhaar card sir!
Q. Not valid now. BJP govt you know.
A. Passport has old address sir
Q. Your passport first name is ‘Kumar’, but on Aadhaar, its ‘Praveen’?
A. They called me ‘Kumar’ in US and I am ‘Praveen’ in India.
Q. Ok. Give an affidavit of name change and one of address change. Your wive’s surname is ‘Singh’?
A. Yes. She is from Delhi. You read my blog Dilli-waali girlfriend sir.
Q. Ok. Give an affidavit about that. But, your blog is Vamagandhi.
A. Yes, I am a Gandhi follower sir. Great to see him on your wall too.
Q. Huh! That’s everywhere. Bloody Congressis. Anyway, give an affidavit.
A. About bloody congressi?
Q. No. Leave it! You scored 100 in mathematics, and you are a doctor. Isn’t it fishy? Doctors are poor in maths.
A. In that case, for records, there is one who is good sir. Never thought that way.
Q. Your tax papers are doctored? No doctor pays such tax.
A. I began paying since I joined Anna movement sir.
Q. K. But, now Anna is nowhere, and his protege are big cheaters. Your voter ID is of Bihar?
A. Yes, I belong to this village sir.
Q. Huh! You voted for Lalu?
A. No. I was in Bangalore sir. I am Brahmin by the way, if it helps.
Q. Yes. It would. I will make sure your loan gets cleared. I am Brahmin too. Ha ha! Why did you marry that ‘Singh’ girl?
A. She is from royal family sir.
Q. Smart guy! That’s where the money comes from. Who can afford flat in Bangalore otherwise?
A. No dowry sir.
Q. Stupid you! Two daughters hmm. But, you said, you are a radiologist?
A. Yes sir. It was me who did ultrasounds.
Q. Could have kept only one daughter. Anyway, your choice. Come back with all affidavits tomorrow. Will see.
A. I wouldn’t. You seem to me a big asshole sir!
Note: Biases are one of the many criterias of being asshole. This piece is a part-fictional satire based on biases in humans, and govt office spoof is not intended to denigrate the system. Author apologize if it creates any such bias for private sector.